Checking in after an existential crisis

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A couple of weeks have passed since my most recent existential crisis. And in those fourteen (or so) days, I noticed a lack of motivation and creativity; I entered the post-existential crisis enervation or fatigue. I trudged through a busy schedule to balance work and social events before my friends' impending farewells. These simultaneous battles for normalcy and against change left little mental space for spontaneous creativity.

Instead, I spent my free time outside and watching comfort movies on my soft bed with the twinkle lights on – my go-to comfort activities that usually guarantee a moment of quiet in an otherwise fast-paced world. I am surprised at my struggle to find the motivation to write and reflect during this existential crisis. Usually, writing is my release, but this time, the thought of sorting through my mixed feelings around continuously sudden change felt burdensome. As a person who prides herself on finding (and often, creating out of necessity) motivation, I had none. 

As I am writing this post, the words still flow less smoothly than before graduation -- perhaps due to the absence of deadlines, predictability, and milestones. Before, writing seamlessly fit in when I needed a liberating creative outlet, but I now perceive it as work in the absence of required tasks. Time is no longer measured by deadlines, meetings, or graduation. I rely solely on hours, days, and weeks, which seem to go by much quicker than I expected. (Wait, what’s the date again?). 

(I plan to investigate the reasoning behind my faltering intrinsic motivation, but that is a mission for my personal journal.)

Therefore, to reignite my intuitive writing spirit (and to add structure to the foreseeable future), I will share a few updates from the past weeks.

In mid-May, I visited San Francisco – the city by the bay– which hosts diverse, disparate communities: people from opposite ends of the globe and financial spectrum. And as I documented in previous posts, travel is one of my most reliable paths to creative revival. 

The few days in San Francisco featured several stimulating sensory experiences. For example, I drank bowls of coffee with Milky Way swirls of oat foam. I impatiently waited to ride a bucket-list touristy cable car driven by a system of mind-boggling foot pedals and levers. I slowly strolled through the magnificent giants of Muir Woods: maroon and sunset-hued Coastal Red Wood trees grouped into families through supportive root systems. I soaked up the rich, sweet aromas of lovingly nurtured grape vines in wine country. I swirled, sniffed, and sipped until my palate spoiled from the small-batch growers. And oh, I could have roamed the enlightening shelves of City Lights Bookstore for hours!

This foggy city offered the perfect getaway from the mystifying change back home. The bustling streets and serene countryside were refreshing sights, and my family provided a therapeutic sense of familiarity. In essence, I got out of my head for a few days and pivoted my focus to the present moment –whether that was the feeling of the soft white sand between my toes on the beach of Carmel or sharing conversation and nostalgic pizza at a locally owned Italian restaurant (always with fresh tomato sauce).

Alas, the vacation was over too soon, and I returned home to commence another monumental change: the move out of my college apartment. Although moving is laborious and often frustrating, the new space ignited my creativity and proposed the opportunity for a mindset shift. After packing my life of the past two years into an excessive number of boxes, I faced the daunting yet exhilarating challenge of unpacking and rearranging my belongings (in a room with just enough space for my bed, desk, bookcase, and expansive plant collection). 

As I plotted out the placements for wall hangings and knick-knacks, I quickly connected to the old soul of my new home. I admired the grand picture windows, creaky hardwood floors, and narrow staircase; the charming character provided a new creative outlet to personalize an empty space and eventually, sit down and write this post.

The transition away from the milestones and expectations of college is far from over. I still feel deeply, long for visits from friends, and scrape up enough motivation to complete daily tasks. However, I now wake up to the delightful sounds of birds chirping outside my beautiful picture window. My vintage house is situated near the serene lake, creating a perfect ambiance for me to start the day. Despite the lingering loneliness, I now look forward to greeting my days with birdsong and shelves of greenery.

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